www.itslexibitch.com
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www.itslexibitch.com
www.itslexibitch.com

thank you, aaron!

Let me preface this motherfucker by saying that I adore Anna Wintour, I adore this event, and I would happily give up my body as my own and carry children as a surrogate mother for people FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ONE AFTER THE OTHER BAM BAM BAM IT’S CROWNING IT’S CROWNING if I could go to the Costume Institute Gala just once. However, the theme this year was beyond disappointing, particularly after last year’s “Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy,” which was brilliant (even if the attendees, for the most part, missed the mark). This year the theme was “The Model As Muse: Embodying Fashion”…..emmmm, OK. Let’s see who did that!

LOVES IT:

Anna Wintour (in Chanel) and Andre Leon Talley (in who the fuck knows). Obviously they are always the best dressed each year because they put on the event, but this year they each look particularly divine. Anna’s dress is AMAAAAAZING, I’m a major fan of the black and white and scalloped detail, which gives her tines frame some nice shape. And Andre always looks so regal and dominant but then you notice little details like his loafers, varsity stripes on his sleeves, and necklaces that look like his 5 year old nephew made them with blocks of wood and macaroni in kindergarten, and you realize he’s just beyond bew. I feel comforted when I see each of them out in public because they look fantastic and they run the biggest fashion magazine in the world, and it’s just as it should be.

Kate Moss in Marc Jacobs. Something about metallics, headpieces, and long drapes of fabric designed by Marc Jacobs and worn by the most famous and still beloved cokehead in the world personifies fashion.

Iman (in Donna Karan) is the closest thing to perfection in a human that will ever be attained. She is unbelievably gorgeous and here she looks effortlessly chic, comfortable and happy. Creator of makeup line for dark skin colors? Check. Daughter named Lexi? Check. Married to David Bowie? Check. Looks like a delicious glass of skim milk here? Check.

Emma Roberts, though not a model muse, looks delicious in this candy red Atelier Versace dress/Lego finery. Maybe I’m just obsessed with the voluminous scalloped dresses right now, but this is such a youthful, unexpected design, both in material and silhouette. The shoes are something we can’t ever even talk about, but the dress is perfection.

So apparently this is Dr. Lisa Airan, M.D., a New York socialite I’ve never heard of, but whose Balmain dress IS SO UNBELIEVABLY PERFECT I WOULD CLEAN UP THE LIPOSUCTION REMNANTS IN HER OFFICE WITH MY BARE HANDS TO HAVE IT IN MY CLOSET. ;AKLSJDF;ASKDJFA;SKDF!!!!!!!!

Liv Tyler is positively luminous. Her dress matches her eye color, it sparkles, and it has an interesting cut and details. I LOVE the belt that has slightly larger panels than the rest of her dress and the ruching in the sleeves. She just LOOKS like a muse, even though she didn’t become famous for being a model (though her Givenchy ads are always delightful).

Aaaaand the best for last, my favorite model of all time, Alek Wek in Emmanuel Ungaro. She looks so fucking amazing I’m starting to get panicky and sweaty trying to figure out the words to do her justice. The color of the dress is SO scrumptious, especially the way it pops out from her beautiful skin, and the unconventional/asymmetrical collar and textured waves make it really compelling. Big ups to Alek Wek, she is just the tits.

HATES IT:

I’ve seen Winona Ryder exactly twice this year: once in the “Star Trek” movie and the other time in this picture. My reactions to both were “What the fuck is she doing there?” To be fair, she looks cute, but she’s wearing a Marc Jacobs tunic that every 20-something girl wants to wear but has to buy a knockoff of at H&M and it is WAY too casual to wear here. I do have a little soft spot in my heart for Winona because of “Reality Bites” which I have seen around 900 times and watched today, and because she offered me pills, lint and a Polaroid picture she found in her coat pocket at a party a few years ago. I said no thanks to all, for the record.

Ugggggghhhhh Jessica Bluhhhhhhhhhhhh. I’ve tried really hard to like Jessica Biel, but she is in shithouse movies, is always in a bad mood, and comes across as a haughty bitchnugget in every interview. This dress looks like a prom dress in the front being attacked from the back and is really unflattering on her otherwise beautiful and athletic body. Color me entirely nonplussed.

Ohhhh, this makes me so sad because Jessica Stam is one of my current favorite models, but her dress reminds me of leftover macaroni and cheese that has separated into the burnt cheese part, the untouched top orangey cheese part and the paler part towards the bottom of the bowl. It’s OK, Stam, I still love you.

Bar Rafaeli in the latest from the This Is That Tinfoil Shit That Firefighters Hide In When A Fire Rages On Top Of Them collection……Spring/Summer 2009.

I can’t wait for the day when the governmental documents become unclassified and it is revealed once and for all that Anne Hathaway’s fame is an elaborate joke or study. She looks fucking HILAAAAAARIOUS!!!! Each of her features could cover and protect my apartment building during a tsunami, and her hair at this event could protect the entire Bay Area. Her dress, a decent Marc Jacobs design, could not be worse for her body type. She is a giant insult to me and to humanity.

Hey, Anne Hathaway!

This happened a few months ago, but I’m still processing it and almost still can’t even talk about it.

I bought tickets to see Ms. Kylie Minogue on September 30th and October 1st. Kylie, the queen bee, the leader of the tiny tribe, my muse, hero, idol and, I’m assuming, future best friend once we meet in some adorable comedy of errors the day of her show wherein we keep running into each other in downtown Oakland (buying gummi bears at Walgreens, reaching for the same pair of shoes in a shop, and eating at side-by-side tables at a sushi restaurant, in case you were wondering) until we can’t deny that our friendship is destined and ride off on brother-and-sister Shetland ponies together (because we’re small). I’m so excited for it! What should I wear?

At the same time I am shitting happy bricks about seeing Kylie, I am shitting sad bricks from missing my sister. She’s been out of the country for 8 months and THAT IS JUST NOT HOW WE DO THINGS AROUND HERE. What is life when you can’t smush your sister’s face, make blanket/pillow nests and watch “Troop Beverly Hills” together for the millionth time whilst quoting it and each playing different characters, dance to Prince together and then fight with each other about something ridiculous anytime you want to? So I’ve been writing an essay on being a sister and I just sit there and write and cry like Claire Danes in ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ which is to say, loudly, unattractively, and blotchily (I still love you, Claire).

In the middle of the Kylie and the blotchy, I found pictures of Kylie and Dannii Minogue together that totally exemplify sisterhood. They are so bew I could just fart.

Other than that, oh I just have so many things on my plate right now, you guys. I’m organizing an ice cream social for work tomorrow so we can go into the weekend in a blaze of fatty dairy. I’m making felty beards*. I’m working on a secret project. And I’m practicing the theremin quite intensely for my upcoming solo performance entitled: “This Is The Only Way To Outdo The Date Rapist Downstairs.**”

*I found this shop on Etsy and my friend Erin and I are going to try to make our own because $40 is preposterous for a felty beard. Erin was a child prodigy and she can cut things out of paper without drawing them first and they come out perfectly. It’s totally creepy, fascinating, inspiring and amazing. Today she made me a mustache. Check out this motherfucker!

**He plays utter shit at all hours on repeat, so loudly that shit falls off my walls. My favorite is when he starts at midnight, IT’S REALLY A DELIGHT. Passive-aggressive notes in disguised handwriting seem to make no difference at all, either! Isn’t that standard neighbor etiquette?! COME ON.

Upon listening to it, I realized my life could have been drastically better for the last 6 months had I just bought the record when it first came out. Colors are brighter, food tastes better! And all other music has been rendered useless and unnecessary! It is called “The Renaissance,” and if you don’t buy it in your preferred format immediately, I have little to say to you from this point on.

As part of my own Q-Tip renaissance (oh! Look what I did there!), I came across this here video, of Q-Tip doing the old classic “Vivrant Thing” live with his majesty PRINCE coming out to do the guitar solo. Check out these two GQ motherfuckers!

Q-Tip also did a couple of fucking great music videos for some of his new songs, including one of my favorites from the record “ManWomanBoogie.” [!!!! Music videos, imagine that! Not that there's anywhere to watch music videos except for on YouTube these days. MTV should have to legally change its name to expel the "Music" part of its acronym, as it expelled all music from its channel years ago in favor of reality shows like 'Road Rules vs. Real World: The Cuntbag Crusade' or whatever the fuck they show now.]

I dig the creepiness of this video. I mean, who wouldn’t follow Q-Tip down the street if they saw him? Once I followed Taylor Hanson after I saw him buying coffee at Dean and Deluca. I don’t even like him, it was just a weird instinct. I forgot my sushi at the counter and the cashier had to yell after me to come get it. I got it and resumed following Taylor Hanson, then got bored after a few blocks. He is pretty. Umm anyway……the Q-tip video!

Another exciting bit of the last few weeks was seeing another pair of underwear, forgotten on the sidewalk. I choose to believe that they were thrown out a window in the throes of passion, rather than the likelier story that they fell out of a laundry basket. That explanation is no fun.

[Lucas took the photo, thanks nugget!]

Like I said, that was “another pair.” The first pair was about 2 years ago, it was a pink thong by Walgreens.

But really, all you need to know is that after 5 long years, I’ve finally found knockoffs of my most coveted and favorite Chanel sunglasses of all history. These warlocks are so limited-edish that finding real ones is not even possible for people who would actually spend thousands of dollars on a pair of plastic……but somehow knockoffs are just as hard to find! Today I decided that it was no longer acceptable for me not to have them, so I tracked down a pair of knockoffs.

Behold the Chanel 5018 Half Tints in all their glory:

I will obvs look just as ferocious in them as Mary Kate. My favorite thing about these sunnies is that I could perform surgery whilst looking through the bottom half BUT DO IT ON THE BEACH IN BORA BORA because of the shaded top half! I’ll probably get my identity stolen by the website (like my friend Tracy, who had hers stolen by a cat costume website [well deserved, really]), BUT IT’S WORTH IT!!!!!!!

THE BRUISER
-Vodka
-Grape juice
-Tonic water
-Garnish with 3 red Haribo gummi bears

Lack of ingredients is the mother of invention. I can’t cook for shit, burn things every time I try to toast something (and toast is my favorite food, so that’s really upsetting), but mama can make a drink when she needs to. Although I haven’t reached the bottom yet to eat the gummi bears, so we’ll see if they soak up the flavors beautifully, like a sangria, or if they get all hard and unchewy.

You can kind of see the gummi bears, sticking together. I think they’re trying to climb out. OMG this reminds of “Honey I Shrunk The Kids,” aka one of the 3 movies we owned when I was growing up and can quote verbatim from start to finish.

As you can also see from the photo, I GOT BANGS. Major news, you guys. Bangs, a Bruiser and a Nuggets win = everything’s coming up Lexi!

In other major news, I have a couple of new members on my daily YouTube/Flickr scouring routine.

The first is T.I. Not only have I been listening to him nonstop, but his partner is named “Tiny” and she is 4’11″. Obviously T.I. knows that, like fine perfume, good things come in small packages. I also want to take his beanie off with my teeth.

The other fella is Jason Segel. As Nick Andopolis, he was my favorite character on “Freaks and Geeks.” If you’ve never watched that series, you need to rent it or buy it immediately or we have no reason to be friends. He’s a hilarious writer and actor and seems like the most genuine, sweetest guy ever.

There are 3 things that make me love Jason Segel more than anything:

1. When you google image search “male nudity,” he is the first result, because of his nude scenes from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” That shit deserves applause. I will never know someone who has accomplished something that fucking awesome in my entire life.

2. This video of him singing the confrontation scene from Les Miserables with Neil Patrick Harris. It is utterly incredible.

3. The interviews he and Paul Rudd did together during the press tour for “I Love You, Man” are absolutely, without question, the most amazing interactions to ever be recorded. I’m not exaggerating. The following interviews make me almost puke and actually cry each time I watch them.

OK, I’m done with The Bruiser now and the gummi bears are AMAAAAZIIIING at the end. I mean at first the texture is repulsive and I almost want to vomit but then the center just tastes like gummi bear and a little bit of vodka and it’s really charming. This hero bitch is done.

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The first time I saw them I knew nothing about them and had no idea what to expect. How was I to know that walking into the venue WITHOUT a sailor hat would be deeply embarrassing? I spent the next 2 hours enthralled by costume changes, lyrics about erections, and truly talented musicians (despite the nature of their lyrics and their costumes, these dudes can write the fuck out of some songs and play the fuck out of some instruments). I learned my lesson fast and walked out of Webster Hall as a convert, armed with Turbonegro dollars and covered in confetti.

A year later, my heart was crushed when they pulled out of the lineup at Thrasher magazine’s SXSW party. I wasn’t alone; I went to the party anyway and was surrounded by Turbojugend members, wearing their jackets with pride to honor our absent heroes.

The second time I saw them, Lucas and I were prepared – Lucas in his Turbojugend Glasgow jacket and me with my sailor hat. We were befriended instantly by other Turbojugend members who gave us hugs and buttons and insisted we come to the monthly meet-ups. Before the band came on, the projector at Slim’s was rolling old footage of the Dead Kennedys playing. I look to my right and who’s sitting at the bar next to me? Mr. Jello Biafra of the goddamn Dead Kennedys. He snickered and commented to his companion “Oh, I remember that one!” pointing at the screen. MIND BLOWN.

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Last night I saw Turbonegro for a third time. Despite my best efforts, Lucas’ Turbojugend jacket just didn’t fit, so I had to ditch it at the last minute. But I spent all day counting down the hours to the show and I WAS READY!

(Mrs.) Joey Dickpants:

The show was brilliant…..fuck me if those guys don’t just get better and better! I settled in with some vodka and watched the mayhem unfold. Hank strutted out wearing a white tuxedo vest with nothing underneath it, a bow tie and cufflinks and a black feather boa. My friend Ally who’s doing their backline was also apparently on wardrobe duty, catching Hank’s boa and running across the stage to grab the sweaty, discarded tuxedo vest and folding it up nicely before returning to tuning guitars. By the time it was all over, the crowd had spilled onto the street, not wanting to leave, singing all the songs we’d just heard. It was almost enough to convince me to drive down to Coachella today……almost. (P.S. Jello was there again last night, looking happy as a pig in shit!)

Scoured from YouTube:

Sailor Man

All My Friends Are Dead

I Got Erection (pro-shot)

Happy birthday! You are the queen bee and I love you. Our birthdays are 10 days apart (err, and a few years). Today I booked a trip to Nashville, which is the best way I can think to honor you.

Maybe we could have tea and crumpets while I’m there! Can you teach me how to write songs, sing and make my hair as big as yours? You are the queen of all this and more. Here’s to 74 more years!

Love,
It’s Lexi, Ma’am! (I wouldn’t dare to swear around you.)

(I am NOT cheating on Kylie, she’s the Australian Queen.)

Some Loretta classics:

The first time I heard this song, my eyes popped out of my head. Not unlike Wile E. Coyote when Bugs Bunny dresses in drag!

A MYRIAD OF LOVES IT:

Aretha’s. Fucking. Hat. NEED!

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These sweet, poised girls and their brilliant Fall 2009 J.Crew CrewCuts (BewCuts?) coats, designed especially for them.

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The only time people have booed a person in a wheelchair. Fuck you, Dick.

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Later, asshole! We’re taking our country back now! Enjoy The Onion’s tales of your death, painful tumble, crocodile maiming, kidney stones, motorcade dragging incident, and spider eggs hatching in your brain.

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Mr. Adorbs McTinyPants himself, Rev. Lowery. I’m pretty sure there was a worldwide “BBBEEEWWWW!!” happening at this moment. Wonderful benediction, too.

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This brilliant, beautiful and compassionate pair (and that DRESS! Beyond stunning!).

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But above all, this speech, an eloquent President, and the sight of this man behind the Presidential Seal.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR.

i missed the golden globes, as i was squired away to north carolina for lots of relaxation, southern food i’d never heard of, and playing with amazing kitties and a dog. however, i do have some thoughts on the fashions, as usual!

AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH ;ALSDJFAS;DF!!!!!!!!!!! :

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ummm. cruella deville? what is going on here? there’s no way carolina hererra actually designed this. inconceivable.

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is it possible for drew to one day have a good golden globes look? let us not forget what happened a few years ago. i understand she’s trying to go for the marilyn hair, but it’s so, so, so far from that, it makes me shudder.

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you are 16, miley. take out your hair extensions, hose off that makeup, and cover up your chesticles. stop bringing your dad as your date to these things. also, stop dating that lecherous 20 year old dude who’s using you for fame. just stop. STOP!

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megan fox irritates me to no end. she constantly looks like she’s giving someone oral sex. she just looks so rubbery and plastic and so much like a blow-up doll that i find her to be a complete mess. horrible tattoos, too.

LOVES IT:

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holy shit. january jones is grace kelly. she’s amazing in “mad men,” too. complete and total perfection.

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freida pinto looks effortless and glowing in this christian lacroix gown. the color and shape are PERFECT for her, and her cuff bracelet and box clutch are perfectly complementary. but the best thing is her sweet smile, which has me totally swooning.

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taraji henson found the most amazing mix of playful (the supposed air of the golden globes until everyone started wearing long black gowns again a few years ago, what the fuck) and formal. i love the mix of materials, colors, ruffles and sparkles on her dress, mixed with the classic silhouette. she is so completely stunning and radiant, i was almost in cardiac arrest every time she came onscreen in “benjamin button.” until the whole thing nearly put me to sleep.

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TIIIIINNNNNAAAA. this is the way to wear a fucking black dress. if it’s long and black, at least choose a dress with some interesting details. the amazing deep-v neck, lined with what looks like ammunition, is contrasted by the sweet bow. i love this woman.

SO CLOSE….SO, SO CLOSE:

all of the following women are major victims of monochromatic ensembles. i love each of them dearly, so consider this an intervention, isla fisher, america ferrera and laura linney. it’s not good when the gown matches your hair and/or skin and/or shoes with no interruption of other color the whole way through. i almost took laura linney out because of the silver belt, but then i saw the clutch……sobs.

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