Why did all the critics crap on this movie?

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Speed Racer was actually totally fucking awesome. I saw it at my favorite movie theater, the Red Vic, which shows a great mix of movies - older classics, cult favorites, newer releases about 2 months after they’ve left theater but before they’re out on DVD, etc. We keep their monthly calendar pinned to the wall in front of the toilet, so every time I drop a deuce I read about what’s coming up. They also have the best black cherry soda in the world and they have free brewer’s yeast to put on your popcorn. This works out quite nicely since I usually pack my own bag of yeast to bring to the movies. People look at me, confused and judging. Not my fault they don’t want their popcorn to be EVEN MORE MAGICALLY DELICIOUS.

Right, Speed Racer. I loved this cartoon as a kid and when I heard Emile Hirsch was going to be in it, I was pretty stoked. When the Wachowskis decided to spearhead it, I got even more excited - even though I hate the Matrix, the special effects are pretty amazing. Add Christina Ricci as Trixie and my old pal Kick Gurry from Australia as Sparky the mechanic AND a real monkey (bew!) and you’ve got yourself a nice little film! The storyline was great, the actors were perfect (John Goodman and Susan Sarandon as the parents were a great match, and the wee little brother damn near stole the show), the script was hilarious and F me in the A, the effects were amazing! It was so entertaining to watch - super saturated colors, lots of great action and futuristic shit whizzing by, and of course, amazing car races.

Trixie’s style is not to be overlooked, either. Her fabulous bob, liquid liner, sequins, popping colors, pink helicopter, aviators, and, my favorite, the sexy leather gloves!

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Yay Kick! Do that shit!

And now it seems a romance has blossomed as a result. BEW BEW BEW!

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Final analysis: the critics and box office aside, this movie is tubular and is very worthy of your Netflix queue.

The LA Report, a month late

I went to LA for the 4th of July weekend and, of course, spotted a bunch of famous people.

The second I stepped off the plane I saw Pras from the Fugees. He was gorgeous, holding 2 guitars and a drum and boarding an international flight.

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At Intelligentsia Coffee in Silver Lake (which my friend Kyle opened! Yay!), Famke Janssen with her bew little dog, Licorice. I used to see her at 2A when I lived in NY, with the same adorbs pup. She looked gorgeous.

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At Point Dume in Malibu, struggling over the rocks at high tide, someone almost toppled over and I grabbed her arm to right her. Only afterwards did I realize that it was the wonderful Diane von Furstenberg! She was leaving with her husband Barry Diller. She was wearing a white belted one-piece bathing suit and looked stunning and glamorous. I love her.

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Leaving Point Dume, a nice fella steps to the side of the path to let us through. The guy he’s with says hello. It is Andrew and Luke Wilson. I die after my brain explodes from trying to process all of my Wilson brothers fantasies that I am NOT carrying out. Owen wasn’t there, but who am I to separate these men?

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At the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for a screening of “Easy Rider,” we saw the two dudes from “Mean Girls,” aka MY FAVORITE MOVIE EVER. They were with Matt Dallas and a bunch of adorable WeHo gays. This cemented Matt’s orientation for me.

Damian (Daniel Franzese)

I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK!!! / Oh my God, Danny Devito, I love your work!
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Aaron (Jonathan Bennett)

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Matt Dallas

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The Dark Knight, you guys

In some ridiculous stroke of luck, I scored free tickets to a preview screening of the new Batman movie, “The Dark Knight” last week. The screening was tonight and

OH

MY

GOD.

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It took me 10 minutes to find this .gif but it is the only thing that can sum up my reaction. A thumbs up is just not enough.

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Dudes. I was literally on the edge of my seat for 90% of the movie. The acting is amazing, the twists are awesome, the suspense is totally insane, the gadgets are rad, the chase scenes and action are completely entertaining, the cinematography is gorgeous, the music is totally dead-on. If you can see it on IMAX, you’re as stoked as I am right now! It is so encapsulating that my companion grabbed the stranger next to her at one point. He was a comic book nerd and it was probably the first time a woman has ever touched him. That’s besides the point. This shit was rad.

Oh, no no

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Well, it seemed like a good idea. Take a pretty awesome (from what I hear) comic book, throw in three of the hottest people in life (Angelina, James McAvoy, Common) to star in the film version and set it free unto the world. The reviews I read were pretty good, the previews looked exciting, etc. etc.

However, I have to give it a big:

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and

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Please note: when doing a Google image search for “Shit Sandwich,” the “Wanted” movie poster is on the second page of results.

Please also note: I could have gone with a bland “thumbs down” picture, but I’d rather show Joaquin’s face. He is unamused by “Wanted,” as well.

Lucas sent me a a pretty great recap of bad reviews from Golden Fiddle. I think my personal favorite is “In other words, WANTED is a massive step back for cinema and, I’d argue, society.” Essentially, James McAvoy spends half of the movie fumbling his way through training to kill someone and the other half of the movie in these wax baths that are supposed to heal the wounds he receives as part of his fumbling through training. I really didn’t get the wax baths thing, I’ve gotta say. The car chase made me seasick, Angelina has about 10 lines, Common has 2 lines, and McAvoy is just not the action hero type.

Still, I won’t complain that I got to stare at these specimens for 2 hours….

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This is a Superhero Outfit

Since the celebs got it totally wrong at the Met Costume Gala, I’ve put together a tutorial on how to dress oneself for such an event.

Step 1: Find inspiration
Easiest inspiration ever, Wonder Woman! One needs look no further than the gorgeous Lynda Carter.

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Step 2: Dress from head toe.
Headband and some gold eye makeup from Natasha of Bat for Lashes:

 

Blue glitter superhero mask, though I’d use royal blue glitter makeup for this, using the gold as the outline:

 

Step 3: Wear a gown with a Wonder Woman silhouette
This Dior dress is ridiculously perfect. Imagine the skirt flying behind you like a cape as you fly! The skeleton must be that of one of the villains you’ve brought to justice.

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Step 4: Wear shoes that only a superhero could walk in.
Louboutins, of course.

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Step 5: Accessorize your clutch to your makeup
Thank you, Chanel.

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Step 6: Don’t be afraid to be over-the-top.
It’s a costume gala. You are wearing a costume. The purpose of this event is to honor the artists and designers who inspire people into creating more art and designs. It’s not about looking pretty or red-carpet-ready, it’s about looking avant-garde.

This is why I should be invited to the Met Costume Gala next year. Rachel “Raisin Face” Zoe can step the fuck down.

The Met Institute Costume Gala 2008 Fashion, aka BORED!

Color me disappointed. One of my favorite fashion events of the year, the Metropolitan Museum’s Costume Institute Gala Benefit, had an amazing theme this year - Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy. Unfortunately, all of the people who were lucky enough to be invited to the prestigious event totally screwed the pooch and the fashion was completely boring. Can you believe not one person had a superhero eye mask painted on with blue glittery makeup? That should have been the first order of business. Here are my favorite (a real stretch, to be honest) ensembles and most vom-inducing ensembles of the evening.

+Favorite-ish. I guess. If I must.

Amber Valletta’s gown is the closest thing to a motherfucking costume as anyone got this year. The shiny material is perfect, and the draping of her shoulder-poofs looks like wings. She looks like a superhero, which should be the point of the damn thing.

Of course Anna Wintour shows up as the villain. Her super power is the ram-tackle, as evidenced by the ram horns on her shoulders and hips.

Looove this piece Naomi Watts wore. The scalloped edges look very superhero, and the star adds a perfect costume touch.

-Awful. Just awful.

Oh, wow, are you a model? I had no idea. I have not seen you on the cover of every single magazine and in every single advertisement within those magazines or on TV commercials or in the Victoria’s Secret specials and catalogs or in the tabloids every week with your boring boyfriend. Thanks for showing us your model body, otherwise we’d have no idea. I can’t stand Gisele to begin with, but the dress looks like the logo for the hospital where I grew up, so I guess it’s pretty appropriate that two things that make me nauseous have now been paired together.

Awww, man. ScarJo totally disappoints. The gown is actually getting closer to the superhero theme - the bodice reminds me of Superwoman’s leotard a bit. But that awful cream color sucks any possible life out of it. An entirely monotone ensemble at a costume gala?! Seriously? Dolce and Gabbana should be ashamed.

Barf. Eva Longoria is wearing 4 bolts of drapes from Linens ‘n Things. It looks like a sea urchin is eating her.

Who the fuck invited Emmy Rossum? I find her so repelling I seriously cannot fathom why she is famous. This dress is so fucking boring. It looks like a pillow from Urban Outfitters. GO HOME.

I JUST DIED OF BOREDOM. Sarah Michelle Gellar, what the fuck? (or, SMG, WTF?) Wearing a beyond-plain black dress to a COSTUME GALA?!

Beyonce basically wears a variation of this dress every day.

I expect MUCH more from Posh Spice. Also, why are all the men wearing plain tuxes? This is so the chance to forsake the penguin suit for something fun and different.

I hate Kristin Davis and her ass face already, but she looks like she’s about to meet the Queen. This dress, jewelry and hair is SO ridiculous for this event.

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In conclusion, I’m ordering every single attendee of this event to read some goddamn comic books. Start with Superman Vol. 1, Issue 1, posthaste!

Yet another new and free Nine Inch Nails album

Trent Reznor has decided to thank us for all of our years of support by giving us yet another free album. You can choose your format and download it in about 30 seconds. I feel like I owe him a free album now…? I’m going to start the “Thank You, Trent” movement so that we can thank him in the way that he’s thanked us. That means everyone who downloads this should open up Garage Band and just fucking have at it. I’m sure he’ll be very grateful!

Head to the NIN site to download “The Slip.”

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I’ve been a huge NIN fan for years and have had the great fortune to see them play many times. Each show was incredible, whether in an arena or in a small venue. Most recently, I saw Trent perform with just a piano, eggshaker and a string quartet for the Bridge School Benefit just over 2 years ago. It moved me to tears and was just so beautiful I can’t even describe it. Additionally, I once saw Trent buying bananas at the tiny general store in Big Sur while he was writing “The Fragile.” Even though I was a starstruck teenager, I knew to leave him alone, lest those bananas end up somewhere uncomfortable like my poor asshole.

And “My Mama’s for Obama” t-shirt sales skyrocket.

Because this is too bew for me to comprehend.

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The Fusionistas in the New York Times Magazine

The NYT Magazine Style Section relied on the old standby of dressing up musicians in designer wear for a fashion spread this week. They did a great job, though, by casting some amazing and unique musicians instead of awful, awful, heartbreakingly ridiculous groups like Panic at the Disco (or Panic at the Dickhole, as some might say…). They focused on some pretty fantastic women, most importantly!

Kazu Makino, the extremely brilliant singer, songwriter and guitarist of Blonde Redhead.

I’ve been fortunate enough to get to spend some time with Kazu a bit over the last few years and see Blonde Redhead many, many times, and I just adore her. She’s such an incredible lyricist, talented musician, and independent spirit. You see her playing fetch with her dog after a show and it blows your mind that someone who’s doing this totally human activity was just singing couplets and melodies that cripple you and bring you to tears. Kazu’s strength and personality are exemplified in the fact that she was nearly killed by a horse trampling her several years ago (she had her jaw restructured and had to re-learn how to sing), yet she still seeks out places to ride horses every day while on tour.

Natasha Khan a.k.a. Bat for Lashes.

Oh my goodness, Natasha. She goes by Bat for Lashes when she’s in musician mode, while the rest of her band are hired players. My friend Jay introduced me to Bat for Lashes’ music about a year ago and I was instantly mesmerized by the spooky, echoey “What’s a Girl to Do?” Her first album, Fur and Gold, ended up being one of my favorites of last year, and I only fell in love further when I saw videos and pictures of her. She looks like a wee forest mouse or sprite, she adorns herself with feathers and bright blue streaks across her eyes, and poses with taxidermied bears in press shots.

The revolutionary Iranian artist Shirin Neshat.

Shirin is an incredibly poignant photographer and video artist. Her subject matter is almost entirely Islamic culture and women’s roles in Islamic societies. She takes truly touching photographs and makes haunting video installations that bring forth important examinations of women’s lives. How much does she look like fellow goddess PJ Harvey in this picture?

Check out all the shots from The Fusionistas spread here.

All Kylie all the time!

Fellow shorties of the United States, get ready for our queen bee’s arrival next week! The original Five Feet of Fabulous, Kylie Minogue, is releasing her latest album X here next Tuesday, April 1st.

Stream the new album on her MySpace page and then pre-order it here on Amazon. “2 Hearts” was the first single outside of the U.S. and is so much fun, and “Wow” is the best thing that’s happened to dance music since Kylie’s last album, and “Speakerphone” is SO AWESOME.

Her schedule is packed with appearances and I can think of no better way to spend my birthday week than by seeing my muse on American TV for a whole week!

Here’s the schedule:
Monday, March 31st:
-Interview with Matt Lauer on the Today Show

Tuesday, April 1st - RELEASE DAY!
-If you didn’t pre-order X here on Amazon, download the album on iTunes or get to the record store when it opens to buy it!
-Kylie performs her new single “All I see” on Dancing With the Stars.

Thursday, April 3rd
-Kylie will be interviewed and perform on the Ellen DeGeneres show. Just the thought of her coming out and dancing with Ellen MAKES ME SO EXCITED I CAN’T STAND IT!! She’s going to be too wee to walk over the table like Ellen does! It’s going to be SO CUTE!

I’m so excited Kylie’s going to be back in the States and I really hope her album does well and she comes back to tour. She’s been through so much in the last couple of years, she has worked her tiny and hot rump off for 20 years straight, and she is the tiniest, sweetest person. She is amazing and I support everything she does (which is why I have her t-shirts, perfumes, posters, buttons, dolls, cards, etc. and listen to her every single day). If I won the lottery tomorrow, the first thing I would do is book tickets to follow her on tour in Europe.

Watch her new video for “Wow” here:

and her gorgeous and bouncing performance of “2 Hearts” on “Wetten Dass?” here:

I’m not ashamed of the fact that when I watched that performance in December I cried my eyes out when I saw the fan holding the red sign that says “KYLIE’S BACK.” Kylie IS back, and I am so excited!