I don’t believe a masterpiece could ever match your face

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

This happened a few months ago, but I’m still processing it and almost still can’t even talk about it.

I bought tickets to see Ms. Kylie Minogue on September 30th and October 1st. Kylie, the queen bee, the leader of the tiny tribe, my muse, hero, idol and, I’m assuming, future best friend once we meet in some adorable comedy of errors the day of her show wherein we keep running into each other in downtown Oakland (buying gummi bears at Walgreens, reaching for the same pair of shoes in a shop, and eating at side-by-side tables at a sushi restaurant, in case you were wondering) until we can’t deny that our friendship is destined and ride off on brother-and-sister Shetland ponies together (because we’re small). I’m so excited for it! What should I wear?

At the same time I am shitting happy bricks about seeing Kylie, I am shitting sad bricks from missing my sister. She’s been out of the country for 8 months and THAT IS JUST NOT HOW WE DO THINGS AROUND HERE. What is life when you can’t smush your sister’s face, make blanket/pillow nests and watch “Troop Beverly Hills” together for the millionth time whilst quoting it and each playing different characters, dance to Prince together and then fight with each other about something ridiculous anytime you want to? So I’ve been writing an essay on being a sister and I just sit there and write and cry like Claire Danes in ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ which is to say, loudly, unattractively, and blotchily (I still love you, Claire).

In the middle of the Kylie and the blotchy, I found pictures of Kylie and Dannii Minogue together that totally exemplify sisterhood. They are so bew I could just fart.

Other than that, oh I just have so many things on my plate right now, you guys. I’m organizing an ice cream social for work tomorrow so we can go into the weekend in a blaze of fatty dairy. I’m making felty beards*. I’m working on a secret project. And I’m practicing the theremin quite intensely for my upcoming solo performance entitled: “This Is The Only Way To Outdo The Date Rapist Downstairs.**”

*I found this shop on Etsy and my friend Erin and I are going to try to make our own because $40 is preposterous for a felty beard. Erin was a child prodigy and she can cut things out of paper without drawing them first and they come out perfectly. It’s totally creepy, fascinating, inspiring and amazing. Today she made me a mustache. Check out this motherfucker!

**He plays utter shit at all hours on repeat, so loudly that shit falls off my walls. My favorite is when he starts at midnight, IT’S REALLY A DELIGHT. Passive-aggressive notes in disguised handwriting seem to make no difference at all, either! Isn’t that standard neighbor etiquette?! COME ON.

Chairman of the board, the chief of affections

I recently made a fatal error, you guys. I knew Q-Tip had released a new record at the end of 2008, his first in 9 years, but for some reason I didn’t buy it until 3 weeks ago.

Upon listening to it, I realized my life could have been drastically better for the last 6 months had I just bought the record when it first came out. Colors are brighter, food tastes better! And all other music has been rendered useless and unnecessary! It is called “The Renaissance,” and if you don’t buy it in your preferred format immediately, I have little to say to you from this point on.

As part of my own Q-Tip renaissance (oh! Look what I did there!), I came across this here video, of Q-Tip doing the old classic “Vivrant Thing” live with his majesty PRINCE coming out to do the guitar solo. Check out these two GQ motherfuckers!

Q-Tip also did a couple of fucking great music videos for some of his new songs, including one of my favorites from the record “ManWomanBoogie.” [!!!! Music videos, imagine that! Not that there's anywhere to watch music videos except for on YouTube these days. MTV should have to legally change its name to expel the "Music" part of its acronym, as it expelled all music from its channel years ago in favor of reality shows like 'Road Rules vs. Real World: The Cuntbag Crusade' or whatever the fuck they show now.]

I dig the creepiness of this video. I mean, who wouldn’t follow Q-Tip down the street if they saw him? Once I followed Taylor Hanson after I saw him buying coffee at Dean and Deluca. I don’t even like him, it was just a weird instinct. I forgot my sushi at the counter and the cashier had to yell after me to come get it. I got it and resumed following Taylor Hanson, then got bored after a few blocks. He is pretty. Umm anyway……the Q-tip video!

Another exciting bit of the last few weeks was seeing another pair of underwear, forgotten on the sidewalk. I choose to believe that they were thrown out a window in the throes of passion, rather than the likelier story that they fell out of a laundry basket. That explanation is no fun.

[Lucas took the photo, thanks nugget!]

Like I said, that was “another pair.” The first pair was about 2 years ago, it was a pink thong by Walgreens.

But really, all you need to know is that after 5 long years, I’ve finally found knockoffs of my most coveted and favorite Chanel sunglasses of all history. These warlocks are so limited-edish that finding real ones is not even possible for people who would actually spend thousands of dollars on a pair of plastic……but somehow knockoffs are just as hard to find! Today I decided that it was no longer acceptable for me not to have them, so I tracked down a pair of knockoffs.

Behold the Chanel 5018 Half Tints in all their glory:

I will obvs look just as ferocious in them as Mary Kate. My favorite thing about these sunnies is that I could perform surgery whilst looking through the bottom half BUT DO IT ON THE BEACH IN BORA BORA because of the shaded top half! I’ll probably get my identity stolen by the website (like my friend Tracy, who had hers stolen by a cat costume website [well deserved, really]), BUT IT’S WORTH IT!!!!!!!

Remember the time….

I invented a surprisingly good drink? It’s 10pm, which in my tiny, sleepy neighborhood means you’re fucked if you’re out of mixers. As a result, I invented the following:

THE BRUISER
-Vodka
-Grape juice
-Tonic water
-Garnish with 3 red Haribo gummi bears

Lack of ingredients is the mother of invention. I can’t cook for shit, burn things every time I try to toast something (and toast is my favorite food, so that’s really upsetting), but mama can make a drink when she needs to. Although I haven’t reached the bottom yet to eat the gummi bears, so we’ll see if they soak up the flavors beautifully, like a sangria, or if they get all hard and unchewy.

You can kind of see the gummi bears, sticking together. I think they’re trying to climb out. OMG this reminds of “Honey I Shrunk The Kids,” aka one of the 3 movies we owned when I was growing up and can quote verbatim from start to finish.

As you can also see from the photo, I GOT BANGS. Major news, you guys. Bangs, a Bruiser and a Nuggets win = everything’s coming up Lexi!

In other major news, I have a couple of new members on my daily YouTube/Flickr scouring routine.

The first is T.I. Not only have I been listening to him nonstop, but his partner is named “Tiny” and she is 4′11″. Obviously T.I. knows that, like fine perfume, good things come in small packages. I also want to take his beanie off with my teeth.

The other fella is Jason Segel. As Nick Andopolis, he was my favorite character on “Freaks and Geeks.” If you’ve never watched that series, you need to rent it or buy it immediately or we have no reason to be friends. He’s a hilarious writer and actor and seems like the most genuine, sweetest guy ever.

There are 3 things that make me love Jason Segel more than anything:

1. When you google image search “male nudity,” he is the first result, because of his nude scenes from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” That shit deserves applause. I will never know someone who has accomplished something that fucking awesome in my entire life.

2. This video of him singing the confrontation scene from Les Miserables with Neil Patrick Harris. It is utterly incredible.

3. The interviews he and Paul Rudd did together during the press tour for “I Love You, Man” are absolutely, without question, the most amazing interactions to ever be recorded. I’m not exaggerating. The following interviews make me almost puke and actually cry each time I watch them.

OK, I’m done with The Bruiser now and the gummi bears are AMAAAAZIIIING at the end. I mean at first the texture is repulsive and I almost want to vomit but then the center just tastes like gummi bear and a little bit of vodka and it’s really charming. This hero bitch is done.

Things to do before you die

In my opinion, there is only one thing you need to do before you die: see Turbonegro live.

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The first time I saw them I knew nothing about them and had no idea what to expect. How was I to know that walking into the venue WITHOUT a sailor hat would be deeply embarrassing? I spent the next 2 hours enthralled by costume changes, lyrics about erections, and truly talented musicians (despite the nature of their lyrics and their costumes, these dudes can write the fuck out of some songs and play the fuck out of some instruments). I learned my lesson fast and walked out of Webster Hall as a convert, armed with Turbonegro dollars and covered in confetti.

A year later, my heart was crushed when they pulled out of the lineup at Thrasher magazine’s SXSW party. I wasn’t alone; I went to the party anyway and was surrounded by Turbojugend members, wearing their jackets with pride to honor our absent heroes.

The second time I saw them, Lucas and I were prepared – Lucas in his Turbojugend Glasgow jacket and me with my sailor hat. We were befriended instantly by other Turbojugend members who gave us hugs and buttons and insisted we come to the monthly meet-ups. Before the band came on, the projector at Slim’s was rolling old footage of the Dead Kennedys playing. I look to my right and who’s sitting at the bar next to me? Mr. Jello Biafra of the goddamn Dead Kennedys. He snickered and commented to his companion “Oh, I remember that one!” pointing at the screen. MIND BLOWN.

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Last night I saw Turbonegro for a third time. Despite my best efforts, Lucas’ Turbojugend jacket just didn’t fit, so I had to ditch it at the last minute. But I spent all day counting down the hours to the show and I WAS READY!

(Mrs.) Joey Dickpants:

The show was brilliant…..fuck me if those guys don’t just get better and better! I settled in with some vodka and watched the mayhem unfold. Hank strutted out wearing a white tuxedo vest with nothing underneath it, a bow tie and cufflinks and a black feather boa. My friend Ally who’s doing their backline was also apparently on wardrobe duty, catching Hank’s boa and running across the stage to grab the sweaty, discarded tuxedo vest and folding it up nicely before returning to tuning guitars. By the time it was all over, the crowd had spilled onto the street, not wanting to leave, singing all the songs we’d just heard. It was almost enough to convince me to drive down to Coachella today……almost. (P.S. Jello was there again last night, looking happy as a pig in shit!)

Scoured from YouTube:

Sailor Man

All My Friends Are Dead

I Got Erection (pro-shot)

Happy Birthday to the (American) Queen!

Dear Ms. Loretta Lynn,

Happy birthday! You are the queen bee and I love you. Our birthdays are 10 days apart (err, and a few years). Today I booked a trip to Nashville, which is the best way I can think to honor you.

Maybe we could have tea and crumpets while I’m there! Can you teach me how to write songs, sing and make my hair as big as yours? You are the queen of all this and more. Here’s to 74 more years!

Love,
It’s Lexi, Ma’am! (I wouldn’t dare to swear around you.)

(I am NOT cheating on Kylie, she’s the Australian Queen.)

Some Loretta classics:

The first time I heard this song, my eyes popped out of my head. Not unlike Wile E. Coyote when Bugs Bunny dresses in drag!

Inaugs ‘09 a.k.a. Happiest Day of My Life in 8 Years

I organized a breakfast potluck in my office so we could all celebrate and watch the Inauguration together. 3 minutes into my commute, I glanced at the newspaper another train rider was reading and saw a picture of Obama and the headline “The Long Journey” and started bawling. Obama’s speech was brilliant, and I am still bowled over that my new President included “non-believers” in his inaugural speech when talking about religion. Thanks for the shout-out, O!

A MYRIAD OF LOVES IT:

Aretha’s. Fucking. Hat. NEED!

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These sweet, poised girls and their brilliant Fall 2009 J.Crew CrewCuts (BewCuts?) coats, designed especially for them.

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The only time people have booed a person in a wheelchair. Fuck you, Dick.

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Later, asshole! We’re taking our country back now! Enjoy The Onion’s tales of your death, painful tumble, crocodile maiming, kidney stones, motorcade dragging incident, and spider eggs hatching in your brain.

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Mr. Adorbs McTinyPants himself, Rev. Lowery. I’m pretty sure there was a worldwide “BBBEEEWWWW!!” happening at this moment. Wonderful benediction, too.

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This brilliant, beautiful and compassionate pair (and that DRESS! Beyond stunning!).

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But above all, this speech, an eloquent President, and the sight of this man behind the Presidential Seal.

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happy new year!

for new year’s eve this year, lucas and i rented a cheapy oceanfront hotel room, drank a bottle of champers, and learned how to make .gifs right on my camera.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

i missed the golden globes, as i was squired away to north carolina for lots of relaxation, southern food i’d never heard of, and playing with amazing kitties and a dog. however, i do have some thoughts on the fashions, as usual!

AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH ;ALSDJFAS;DF!!!!!!!!!!! :

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ummm. cruella deville? what is going on here? there’s no way carolina hererra actually designed this. inconceivable.

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is it possible for drew to one day have a good golden globes look? let us not forget what happened a few years ago. i understand she’s trying to go for the marilyn hair, but it’s so, so, so far from that, it makes me shudder.

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you are 16, miley. take out your hair extensions, hose off that makeup, and cover up your chesticles. stop bringing your dad as your date to these things. also, stop dating that lecherous 20 year old dude who’s using you for fame. just stop. STOP!

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megan fox irritates me to no end. she constantly looks like she’s giving someone oral sex. she just looks so rubbery and plastic and so much like a blow-up doll that i find her to be a complete mess. horrible tattoos, too.

LOVES IT:

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holy shit. january jones is grace kelly. she’s amazing in “mad men,” too. complete and total perfection.

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freida pinto looks effortless and glowing in this christian lacroix gown. the color and shape are PERFECT for her, and her cuff bracelet and box clutch are perfectly complementary. but the best thing is her sweet smile, which has me totally swooning.

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taraji henson found the most amazing mix of playful (the supposed air of the golden globes until everyone started wearing long black gowns again a few years ago, what the fuck) and formal. i love the mix of materials, colors, ruffles and sparkles on her dress, mixed with the classic silhouette. she is so completely stunning and radiant, i was almost in cardiac arrest every time she came onscreen in “benjamin button.” until the whole thing nearly put me to sleep.

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TIIIIINNNNNAAAA. this is the way to wear a fucking black dress. if it’s long and black, at least choose a dress with some interesting details. the amazing deep-v neck, lined with what looks like ammunition, is contrasted by the sweet bow. i love this woman.

SO CLOSE….SO, SO CLOSE:

all of the following women are major victims of monochromatic ensembles. i love each of them dearly, so consider this an intervention, isla fisher, america ferrera and laura linney. it’s not good when the gown matches your hair and/or skin and/or shoes with no interruption of other color the whole way through. i almost took laura linney out because of the silver belt, but then i saw the clutch……sobs.

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OMG you guys, Kelly Clarkson and Holly Madison are together!

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What do Mos Def and Neil Young have in common?

I want to be best friends with both of them!

Most of you, at some point over the last miserable 8 years, have probably wondered “What would Mos Def do if he were president?” Give us health care and breakfast, that’s what. Check it out:

Umm, yes please. Since the mighty Mos is a little late to put in his bid for this election, maybe Obama can give him an appointment in the cabinet! That’s after making me the Secretary of Small Things, obvs.

Also, Neil Young is my new BFF, it’s a semi-long story but he played a riff specifically, privately and personally at my facehole last Sunday and in some cultures that’s a marriage ritual, but since I’m in a committed relashe, we’re just going to be BFFs. Then he cancelled his show in LA because the union is on strike and he was like “HELL NO, WE WON’T GO” and called them his brothers and sisters and since I was raised on protests and chants and have never/will never cross a picket line, it reaffirmed our friendship. Love you, Neil, call me and we’ll go hang out with Mos Def, ok?

You may wonder why I am posting at 11pm on Halloween, my favorite holiday. Surely I should be at a party in a ridiculous costume, dancing to Biggie and posing in the background of strangers’ photos! Desafortunadamente, I’m totes sick and have been residing on my couch for the last 5 days. I am severely bummed. Dressing up is my favorite thing IN THE WORLD.

Things I have missed this week:
-2 Girl Talk shows at the Fillmore.
-A good bro-down with DS.
-A second viewing of “Man on Wire,” the best movie I’ve seen this year.
-5 parties tonight and a sleepover with Julia featuring our specialties: hot dogs, lava cakes, Judd Apatow movies, and filming each other dancing drunk.
-The chance at a $300 prize in my work’s costume contest. I would have OWNED THAT SHIT, but couldn’t because I also missed….
-My chance to dress up like Lucille Ball, a deer (complete with black buttcrack-looking tail and cardboard hooves and maybe real antlers if my tiny peanut head could withstand the weight), or Aladdin Sane-era David Bowie.

Mamacita!

Sorry for the unintentional break; I’ve been so culturally stimulated lately it’s been overwhelming to collect my thoughts. I will be back soon, but in the meantime I know you all will be as pleased as I am to see the following pictures. Never has a pair of best friends been as bew, smart and talented as these two. Though I’m disappointed not to have carried their children, I’m very happy they are procreating and releasing more bew, smart and talented people into the world (Diego and his wife popped one out a couple months ago and Gael and his girlfriend have a babers arriving next year).

For the record, I’m rooting for whichever team they like. Also, these pictures remind me of the time I was in Peru with my family a few years ago. During the last hour of our train ride from Machu Picchu to Cusco, my sister began to projectile vomit and endure explosive diarrhea that would last for the next 48 hours. She had arranged in advance a family outing to a soccer game upon our return, but when we got back to Cusco she and my mom had to stay behind as my mom weighed the options of a suppository vs. an IV to get my sister back in action. Not wanting to waste a good idea, my Dad and I attended the fuck out of the soccer game. I drank máte de coca the whole time and threw my empty cups at the riot cops who form a human tunnel for the soccer players to duck under to enter the field. After the game we arrived back at the hotel just in time to watch a comprehensive documentary on Kylie. In the end, it was one of the best days of my life. Can’t say the same for my sister!